”Hot Lips” Pierce: Alan Alda’s onscreen kisses

10 times the M*A*S*H motormouth locked lips.

A gentleman never kisses and tells. Unless, of course, that gentleman happens to be one of America’s most recognizable actors publishing his much-anticipated memoir. Luckily for us, that was exactly the case when Alan Alda released Never Have Your Dog Stuffed back in 2005.

Alda’s book is filled with everything you’d hope to find written about his youth, his career, and whatever else was on his mind. Among the juicier details, though, is a list of all the women he’s shared a smooch with onscreen. Appropriately enough, the particulars are included in a chapter titled “Famous Women I Have Kissed.”

We’ll save you a trip to the library by listing most of them here. We’ll even provide some context, like what movie you’d find each kiss in.

Whether you wish you were Alan Alda, or wish you were on the receiving end, here, for you to live through vicariously, is a list of ten actresses Alan Alda kissed in his career. Leave the timestamp of your favorites in the comment section below!

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1. Marlo Thomas

Marlo Thomas is an Emmy/Golden Globe/Grammy/Peabody Award-winning Presidential Medal of Freedom who served as the National Outreach Director for St. Jude’s Children’s Research Hospital. She’s an incredible woman and an incredible actress. In Jenny, Thomas plays the title role of a woman who flees her hometown after finding out she’s pregnant. Alda’s character knows a draft-dodging loophole that might keep him stateside if he claims paternity. The relationship may be fake (at first), but the kisses? The kisses are very much so real.

2. Jacqueline Bissett

This occult-murder mystery horror movie pre-dates Alda’s romances on M*A*S*H. Here, Alda plays concert pianist Myles Clarkson, who has long ago given up his pursuits in order to pay the bills by writing as a music journalist. When he interviews the mysterious Duncan Ely, his wife (played by Jacqueline Bisset) is suspicious of Ely and his creepy daughter. This movie has everything: Satanism, body swapping, and, oh yeah… At least one smoocheroonie between Alda and Bissett.

3. Carol Burnett

Here’s a pair that can make you laugh and swoon: In 1981’s The Four Seasons, comedy powerhouses Alan Alda and Carol Burnett join forces to play the protagonists in Alda’s feature film directorial debut. Besieged by all the problems that could possibly face a middle-class, middle-aged couple, Alda and Burnett are a great match!

4. Ellen Burstyn

In the movie Same Time, Next Year, the then-42-year-old Alan Alda plays 27-year-old George, who meets Doris at an inn along the Mendocino County coast of California. Doris is 24 and was played by Ellen Burstyn, who was 46 at the time. George and Doris, though both married, have a tryst and decide to meet up at the same inn on the same day every year. Their lies and deceit were supposed to charm audiences in 1978, but hey, at least they kiss!

5. Blythe Danner

This one is a two-peck combo! First, Blythe Danner starred alongside Alda in To Kill A Clown, presumably giving Harper Lee’s Mockingbird a break in the proceedings. Their lips must have had chemistry, as Danner also played Alda’s love interest in the season four episode “The More I See You” on M*A*S*H. The more we see this pair, the more jealous we get!

6. Teri Garr

She’s a ten, but she’s constantly under enemy fire. Everyone’s favorite seventies crush kissed everyone’s other favorite Seventies crush in “The Sniper,” the tenth episode of M*A*S*H‘s second season. Garr stars as Lt. Suzanne Marquette, and naturally, is Pierce’s love interest. Hawkeye kisses countless nurses and soldiers, but this one’s special. This one… is Teri Garr.

7. Meryl Streep

Early Streep. Peak Alda. The Seduction of Joe Tynan sees Alda as the titular political hopeful investigating his chances on a possible campaign trail. Labor lawyer Karen Traynor (Streep) is sitting on evidence that could halt the nomination, but as they spend time together, Tynan and Traynor begin developing feelings for one another. Seduction indeed!

8. Veronica Hamel

Do you guys see his beard? Alan Alda can pull off anything. Facial Hair Jones stars alongside Veronica Hamel in A New Life. It’s another year, another Alan Alda romantic comedy about yuppies making problems for themselves. Oh boy! The good thing, though, is a kiss between Hamel and Alda. Phew!

9. Michelle Pfeiffer

We’re beginning to see a pattern here… Alan Alda writes and directs a movie, and casts himself alongside one of the most beautiful women in history. Who can blame him? We’re not sure who to be more jealous of in Sweet Liberty from 1986. Hey! At least it’s not another domestic comedy with upper-middle-class people cheating on each other!

10. Madeline Kahn

It’s the ’90s, but don’t worry, our boy still has that dawg in him, casting himself across from Madeline Kahn. Because, really, wouldn’t you? Betsy’s Wedding stars Alda as Eddie Hopper, a construction contractor from Long Island. Kahn is his wife, Lola, and together they throw their daughter a lavish wedding, even though they don’t have the money for it.

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