First things first – your beloved musical hero is not talking about you. That’s not what this probably award-winning piece is about.
No, what we’re saying is how your choice of Quaver-loving legend (other savoury snacks are available)
And not just if you love a 12-inch.
Seriously, we’re not playing you (like a record, baby). No, the rock (or soul or pop) god/goddess that rocks your world isn’t just hitting the right musical chords with you.
Oh no. They’re also touching and exposing the inner you. And without buying you dinner first. Cheap tricks.
Shall we, pop-pickers?
So you’re an Elvis fan…
Ah, the King. The boy from Tupelo, Mississippi, who became the first global superstar.
That face, that charisma, that vibrato (grow up.) Elvis Aaron Presley had it all.
And that’s what you want.
If Elvis gets you all shook up, you want to be universally adored; admired everywhere you go.
You also have an arguably unreasonable fear of toilets.
So you’re a Beatles fan…
Do you want to know a secret? The Fab Four are the best-selling band in history.
More number one albums and singles sold in the UK than any other act. Ditto the US.
And they topped Billboard magazine’s all-time list of Hot 100 artists. Jesus (who they were not bigger than… Let’s not start that up again).
Absolute giants – but with that common touch.
And that’s what you are. Tall or not. No airs and graces with you. Down to earth.
One of the lads/lasses. Beatles’ fans love clever and classic with no fuss. Simply brilliant, la’.
So you’re a Bowie fan…
Brixton boy Bowie ch-ch-ch-changed the world, right?
Music’s definitive chameleon – folk to rock to one-blue-eyed soul to dance and onwards, via space –
Just like all you young (you’re welcome) dudes.
You love Bowie? You love your mind to be stretched, your beliefs to be challenged, your life journey to be unpredictable.
Most of all, you get really bloody bored easily. You most probably won’t even finish reading thi…
So you’re a Beyonce fan…
Seems everyone is crazy in love with Bey. And her Beybaes. Fair enough. The woman is a goddess.
Ruddy rich – worth $350million (£270m), apparently. Double that if she sells pix of the new bub x2. Gloriously gorgeous, troublingly talented, and shooper shexy, Bey is your Queen.
Sure, it’s not like life gave her lemons (#tooblessedtobestressed, as some vadge describes her own life on Twitter) – but she did make lemonade.
You’re drunk in love with seemingly strong Beyonce? Then you love powerful people, all-conquering people, Jesus-wants-me-for-a-sunbeam people.
You’ve also probably never heard of Tina Turner. Ask yer mum.
So you’re a Prince fan…
And while we’re on controversy… Prince. Now we’re talking.
If you adore Prince, you love sexy.
You also ain’t no size queen – funniest line we’ve ever heard: ‘There’s only one thing worse than a size queen. And that’s a small dick.’
Hahahahahaha. Just a joke, kids. Don’t @ me.
You love life rude, you love life raw. You also love life to be controlled, you beautiful, perfectionist freak.
So you’re a Rolling Stones fan…
You fancy some jumpin’ Jack flash? With that back?
Oh, the Stones. How you heart those bluesy rockers.
The safe contingent went for The Beatles, but the edgy guys and gals went for the rebelliousness of those counterculture poster boys (counterculture posh poster boys… Upper-middle class, baby. Ain’t life interesting?).
So you like life a bit rough. A bit subversive. You think.
But secretly you like things safe and secure and ‘establishment’. But you’re not dull. Oh no. You’re a tenacious little thing – grabbing life’s enjoyment like a terrier on heat clinging to a thigh.
Like your heroes – still touring in their band’s 55th year – you just don’t know when to quit.
So you’re a Michael Jackson fan…
You worship the king of pop? Well, you are not alone (ridiculously proud of that one).
Those songs, those moves, that voice, that glove. There was something magical about that boy-genius man-child. And, no, we haven’t been on the Jesus Juice.
He was a star. So-o-o talented.
But, blimey, that was one cray-cray life.
Everything – his super-strict upbringing, his skin colour, the paternity of his kids, the other kids – courted exhausting controversy. He couldn’t beat it. *curtseys*
And you’re like that. No, not moonwalking your way into trouble – but desperate for a time when things were simpler.
Innocent fun is what you want. And perhaps a mouthful of bubbles.