Iconic actress Sophia Loren once said, ‘I don’t make old lady noises.’ And Ms Loren is 82, still hot and says eating lots of spaghetti makes you sexy, so it’s worth listening to EVERYTHING this woman has to say.
It resonated with me because, weirdly, it was only when I read that that I realised some quite severe old lady noises have been coming out of me since I was about 25 (don’t worry, I’m not talking about anything south of the neck, it’s safe to read on).
And they’re not nice old lady noises like, ‘I’ve put £5 in your birthday card this year, dear,’ either. They’re bad, unsexy ones. And I can’t stop.
No matter what your age, always think carefully before making old lady noises (Image: Getty Images/Tetra images RF)
Sitting on a chair, getting out of a chair, picking something up, putting something down, walking up one tiny step – any miniscule movement and there it is, that ‘UFFF’ sound, like I’m in the World’s Strongest Man competition, trying to drag a Mardi Gras carnival float, not just pushing a really rather well-oiled revolving door, or lifting the world’s lightest feather.
And it’s not even because it’s hard, I exercise regularly and 100 burpees (alright! Three burpees!) don’t elicit that kind of pathetic noise, it’s just habit. I don’t know where it comes from, but I do it, and the people all around me do it too.
Those force-of-habit noises don’t just include the ‘UFFF’, oh no. There’s that little sharp and pathetic, slightly squeaky ‘Oooh!’ you make when you do a little mini-trip over something non-existent and have to make it clear you know you’ve tripped over, but also want to convey you have not hurt yourself, and nobody need laugh after all because it’s really not that embarrassing. This squeaky ‘Oooh!’ is also used when someone nearly walks into you and it’s not your fault, or you drop something in public. (‘Oopsie’ isn’t technically a sound, but it also works under all the above circumstances.)
We also have that old-faithful, the ‘Tut’, ladies and gentlemen. This passes my lips/front teeth on average 3,000 times a day and is good for every situation under the sun, from something as small as having to press a button on your remote control more than once to deranged leaders halfway across the world saying deranged things.
So, anyway, keep an ear out for them, you know you make them too…